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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

[ goodness knows i saw it coming. ]

Man my life is boring. Man am I boring.

I don't like the way I write anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. Sometimes I find myself, then I lose it again.

Then there's this blog. I feel like I want to quit writing here. Make a new one, but God knows I already have enough. I know I'm supposed to be blogging for me and me alone but I am too much of a perfectionist. Grammar structure has to be perfect, spellings are supposed to be correct. Besides, there are too many people who read this blog. People who know me.

Sometimes I want to spit out those words (eg. cuss like an army man). I feel depressed. Maybe it has something to do with my being sick but still. There are times when I am just so down and pressured I have no choice but to cry.

And the thing is there is just no place to cry in here. That's why I'm looking forward to moving, to starting over in another place where nobody knows me. Cause here, I don't even know myself. I am bottled, cramped, smothered, whatever you can think of. I need to let it out. I don't even know who the real me is unless I spit out what I want to spit out.

But I can't just do that. Everybody knows me, but not enough. I feel pressured to be somebody I'm not, and that pressure, added to the not-being-able-to-let-it-out thing, is more than I can bear. God, sometimes I want to quit.

You know prayer really helps. I know that not everybody who reads this is the same religion as I am, or were raised the same way as I was, but really, God is the only one I can talk to about everything. I talk to Him, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit, and my other mama, Mary. And I talk to random saints, and to my guardian angel.

And you know what they never let me down.

No matter how much I inwardly cuss, no matter how much I want to scream and kick and throw a tantrum, no matter how I blame everybody, no matter how much I feel like quitting, they always pick me up.

White Flower is really a godsend. Oh, yes it is. Cause like I was telling you I was feeling really depressed today, right before I wrote this, and I was ranting about everything to everybody in heaven, to anybody who would listen.

And like they always do they talked back. They gave me White Flower.

For those of you who do not know White Flower is like an all-around mentholated oil which has a soothing, cooling effect. I was really feeling down and then this sudden thought came to me...White Flower, it said.

AY OO NGA NO.

May White Flower pala.

I had almost forgotten. It's been with me through countless stomach pains, headaches, and runny noses. And so since I thought this particular state of depression was somewhat caused by my non-fever, White Flower was the best, most effective cure.

It helped my splitting headache, unclogged my nose, improved my circulation, and cooled my temper.

What a godsend.

"With a name I'd never chosen/I can make my first steps/As a child of twenty-five."
- Snow Patrol, Chocolate

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chLoe was here at: 7:01:00 PM

dancing where the evening fell

ole!
 first of all, a big shout-out to the person who made this layout, therefore enabling me to post more frequently (hooray!), BEEKEE. thanks a lot!

moving on...

this is my own personal space, where i write down everything i can think of to write. please take note that i update irregularly - like i will be on hiatus for a while, and then make two posts a day. right now i am on my two-post phase.

also since this is obviously mine, i would like you to know that this is a free world, and that i am entitled to my own opinion. therefore this blog is solely for myself and my purposes ONLY. flames are not accepted, since there is nothing to flame about.

however, comments will be greatly appreciated. :)

dancing out on seventh street

chloe
 i am loving the song when the stars go blue, therefore it is my layout for now. ask me later and it'll be different. :) i'm proudly pinay (with a little spanish and chinese descent on the side), and proudly bedan. this beloved blog of mine has been up since the eighteenth of february two thousand and six, but i have made other blogs before that. i write purely to let my feelings out and/or to keep my memories. someday i'm going to write a novel, but right now i'm concentrating on growing up.

thank you. bow.

dancing through the underground



where do you go when you're lonely

ange. angel. arielle. beekee. bia. cahren. cathe. cathie. dana. dianne. dotep. gabby. gen. julia. kaila. krizia. kwarentay uno. lia. marj. mikmik. nadine. nina. paeng. pam. paula. saab. sedric. vicky. xangakodati.

coat of arms. dracohermione. fanfic. fictionpress. friendster. firstnames. gushers. hermionedraco. seventeen. stardolls.

where do you go when you're blue

02.2006 03.2006 04.2006 05.2006 06.2006 07.2006 08.2006 09.2006 10.2006 11.2006 12.2006 01.2007 02.2007 03.2007 04.2007 05.2007 06.2007 07.2007 08.2007 09.2007 10.2007 12.2007 01.2008

where do you go i'll follow you



when the stars go blue

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